Tuesday, 18 September 2007

Darken Days

Damnit, it's going to happen again. I can feel it. In about a day or two my brain's going to close down and spend a day kicking my soul and heart around before coming back to life. Fucking hate it. Just make it stop. It's like knowing the train is going to crash into a huge burning pile of twisted metal and watching the terrible drama unfold but still not having the will to pull the brake lever.

Nothing anyone can say will make it better. Sleep will be something to dream of - a way out for just a few blessed hours. But it will be like trying to catch mist in your fingers - clawing away with bony hands frantically with futile results. When it does finally arrive as the sun starts to come up they will be fitful, harsh dreams, a cloying and vicious surreal kaleidoscope of colour and images. When you wake from the frozen state you'll regret the time you spent there, just wishing you could just get your body back to a regular cycle. Guilty of the time you should have spent elsewhere.

It's been a while since I've slipped down and had a really dark patch. It was a few months ago now and when it happened it was only for 2 days. 2 days of having a voice in your head telling you over and over every bad thing you've ever done. Telling you that everything you cherish and value is worth nothing and worst of all taking away your hope.

I know medically why this happens - imbalances of serotonin levels in the brain. There's a reason for it that isn't just that you're "feeling a bit down" or that it's "just how life is". But it has got easier since I've been here. The dark days space themselves more and more, with hard exercise and bright sunlight being the keys to unlocking the mental turbulence. The lows aren't as low but the highs remain lifting and ethereal. I'm getting better - 31 years of this crap and I'm getting better. But it's still there in fits and starts, clawing away at your neck threatening to press your self-destruct button.

But this time it's different. I'm not going down easily. I'm going to fight this with everything I've got starting with getting up early tomorrow and go out for a run, then work for a few hours and finally go to meet my sister. The voices can get stuffed frankly - I don't need them and they don't need me. Go pester someone else, make someone else doubt themselves. I'm going to release the voices high up into the mountains where they can stay for an eternity as a dark cloud looming over a forbidden peak. I'm going to keep the skies clear above my head. It's medical, and I can heal my body of anything with enough effort. I can push myself further than others, I can force myself to the absolute limit. This is no different at all. I can force myself rid of this minor problem, this small glitch in my body, this bug. Just like any computer bug I can code a fix for it, rework it, push logic at it and it will go away, dissipate into nothingness.