Speeding Ticket: €45

Got pinged on the 1st September doing a transfer from Chamonix to Geneva. Allegedly doing 108kph through a 90kph zone between Chamonix and St Gervais. It's a static €45.00 fine if payed within 15 days going up to something like €180 after that - I'll be elbowing grannies out of the way at the Post Office to pay it tomorrow then. No points on the license though which is the only good thing. Bastards. If only they'd accept mitigating circumstances...

1) I'd just picked up 7 girls who managed to be 45 minutes late. (Yes, 45 minutes). They'd managed to make me late for picking up clients on the way back from Geneva.

2) I'd not been driving the transfer bus very much beforehand so wasn't as experienced as now.

3) These girls were really getting on my tits. They'd been out downing Lambrini the night before and kept asking for me to stop so they could throw up. This really wasn't improving my chirpy demeanour.

4) It was downhill and with all 8 of us in the van gravity was having considerable effect.

Of course any one of these arguments would hold up in a court of law as the judge would have seen my plight and made a judgment in my favour. There may have even been some form of compensation heading my way for the untold misery suffered during that trip. Unluckily I chose just to swallow it down and take it on the chin when I spoke to Shaun (the transfers boss) about it. He was really good to be fair and appreciated that I wasn't coming up with any bullshit excuses (note: reasons for speeding given in this posting are blatantly NOT bullshit excuses, I just chose not to raise them with him).

Anyways, got me thinking. If the clients are late for the transfer then that's their problem - not mine. The transfer takes 1 1/4 hours and we stick to the speed limits. I know it sounds daft, but it was a good lesson to learn early on.

Driving in the Chamonix Valley

There appears to be a few unwritten rules for driving around Cham and the valley that I thought I'd jot down as a useful reference for anyone coming here and choosing to take to the road.



Headlights
These should be left on full beam all the time, day and night. You can't be too careful now can you. Some may argue that getting blinded by a set of halogen beams burning directly into your retina whilst negotiating narrow, winding mountain roads could be construed as dangerous. These people obviously do not take the appropriate measures of closing your eyes and driving by instinct until the oncoming dazzling array of light has passed. Yellow headlights are de rigour for any French car built pre 1988 and show that not only are you a local, but you are also hardcore in your choice of transport and not swayed by modern advertising encouraging the purchase of some nasty plastic car to motor around in.

Indicators
The use of these is purely optional. Sudden violent swerving of your car down a turn-off should serve as sufficient notice for all other road users of your intention of changing direction. Pedestrians, cyclists, scooters, motorbikers and invalid carriage drivers should retain a third eye for any sudden movement in their peripheral vision warning of this. Indicators can also be used to signify potential future intent of other activities - a shopping stop, flying into the bank quickly, handbrake turn, sliding on ice.

Roundabouts
These should be renamed "free-for-alls". Don't hesitate about stopping on them, and for god's sake don't indicate - that's a public sign of weakness. The general philosophy is to approach cautiously and then gun the motor aiming for a gap as wide as a midgets arse between two cars currently riding the concrete carousel. Screeching tires mean that you're really using the roundabout and not just mincing around it as part of some stupid traffic control system.

Tailgating
The ideal driving position you should be aiming for is sat somewhere on the rear seats of the car in front. Don't worry a jot about being so close that the other driver feels like you're a colonic parasite, go ahead and get your full beams on for the best effect. Bumpers are there to be used, not ignored.

Speed
Corners and narrow mountain roads should be attempted at warp factor 9. Straight pieces of road around 0.08 km/h. You should alternate between your highest and lowest speeds in the shortest amount of time. Whilst driving through town try to stop occasionally to peruse the latest sales in the shops and wave a casual hand at the trail of traffic behind to let them know you're only going to move when you're good and ready. Show them who's boss.

Parking
Should be attempted anywhere regardless of signage or road markings. The middle of the road is acceptable so long as you put your hazard warning lights on. With hazard lights on you are truly free to experiment with where you can leave your car. Pavements can be used at any time of the day or night for any length of time. No need for hazard lights as these are officially recognized slots. When approaching a potential car parking slot, make sure to look over and appraise the potential site extremely thoroughly. Parking is a an art form and should never be rushed.

I hope this helps with your road-goings in the valley.